![]() “No ideer Bobby Sue, but itud bedder be sum tasty cridder deep fried in awl.” (I’m not quite sure what to order, but the last time I had the fried possum it sure tasted great, so bring some of that, and this time I had better come close to getting a heart attack.) I’ve been on my feet all day serving rednecks, so hurry up and order your food so I can have a smoke break.) “How y’all doin? You fellers no wucha wanna eat?” (Good evening kind sirs. “I reckon sum grits wil also put sum hitch bak in yer giddyap, ya hear!” (Ground up corn meal that looks like vomit is a normal Southern food item you should eat some, it may make you feel better after a strenuous day.) “Yessir, affer battlin’ that thar dagum strukcher fahr bak er, Ima fixin to git me sum biskits ‘n gravy.” (Well, as a firefighter, I was present in that situation, but now that it is under control, I’m very hungry and would like to purchase some delectable pastries with a pleasant dipping sauce.) “Bubba, jeer bout that thar strukcher fahr smackdab inamiddel a town?” (Bubba, you are a very observant person what can you tell me about the burning building on Main Street?) Get your act together so we can visit the South’s premier restaurant, Waffle House.) “Pull up yer britches an put on yer clodhoppears, so we cun go down er to Waffle House.” (Your buttcrack is showing and you are still barefoot. “I sed naw, Cletus, no whuddah meen?” (I said NO, you twit, are we finally in verbal accordance?) “Whar jeet at?” (What preferred dining establishment did you select to embrace your culinary appetite?) ![]() “Naw Cletus, jew?” (Hello Cletus, I haven’t had my dinner yet today, have you?) “Hey Bubba, jeet?” (Good evening Bubba, have you had your evening meal yet?) Don’t worry, I’ve spelled all the words “fonetickly” so you could read them and I also provided a translation. Here’s a typical conversation that you may hear back home. One of the first accomplishments in conformation was trying to understand the language so I could communicate with my neighbors. I was also totally unaware that this was the beginning of my subconscious conversion to a southern lifestyle. “Hey, did you see that deer over there? – John Deere!” Of course having just traveled from Singapore, where our lawn more closely resembled an 8-by-10-foot shag carpet with weeds, I didn’t even know what a John Deere was. I knew I was in trouble the first time I moved to Virginia and was caught off guard by the oldest joke in the book. A redneck can simply be defined as anyone with a “glorious absence of sophistication,” and I don’t care if you have a doctorate from Harvard, chances are you or someone you know fits into this category. Most educated folks think of rednecks as hillbilly farmers from the South, but let it be known, that they can be found anywhere you go. Even though I lived as a child in Southeast Asia, I have been fighting for my life ever since in a quest to not become a “redneck.” Maybe friends from your hometown don’t spend a lot of time pursuing hobbies like Civil War reenacting or metal detecting, but I’m from Virginia, where just about anything goes. Have you ever been to a friend’s house and couldn’t help but ask why there’s a rusty old car stuck in the front yard? The stinging yet hilarious reply inevitably comes, “That’s where she stopped running!”
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